Too many voices

There are far too many voices and opinions going on inside my head. My favorite is Deep Dave, who insists on giving me deep unhelpful advice when my brain is idling for too long. He often harps on about how 'its all part of the ebb and flow of the universe' 'what will be will be' and so on and so forth. I often imagine him as some 1960's/70's hippy wearing clogs. He most often appears after my 3AM cry with Miserable Mable or at the end of a sad conversation with people I have announced my miscarriage to. Though often he just forces me to continually spam deep verbal nonsense to my poor friends and family who just don't know what to say. My least favorite is Angry Alan who insists on shouting obscene messages towards my general direction, like 'maybe you would feel better if you shoved your hand in the blender' or ' you don't deserve a child because your a dick head' and so on. He randomly appears and distracts me at any inopportune moment. I find him rather annoying. Please piss off Alan.

Lesson number four: Learn to live with the voices in your head, eventually they will fuck off (or so I hope)

So naturally as I was rushed into hospital by my poor worried husband, all these little voices were starting to make their appearances. Alan was shouting rude things at me as Dave was chilled out telling me to 'go along with nature and the universe' I listened to none of these voices. I had had pain for three days now (I had been to the GP every day that week, I think they were sick of the sight of me). As we got to hospital I started bleeding. Badly. I knew that it wasn't ok, I knew something had gone drastically wrong. I didn't know what though and I never in a million years thought that the pain I was having was labor pain. After watching all the screaming women on one born every minute I really didn't associate the pain I was having with whatever they were having. I just didn't want to believe it either.

Lesson number five: I'm not so sure One Born Every Minute is entirely accurate.

Miscarrying late (or at anytime) is not pretty I lost a lot, and I mean a lot, of blood. I was in horrendous pain to the point where at one point I rather dramatically though I was dying. My husband spent most of the time clinging onto me looking pale. He really just didn't know what to do and neither did I. Luckily my midwife was fantastic she has literally saved my life in more ways than one. Again I did not listen to my body I knew I needed to deliver my baby but I didn't want to and therefore tried very hard not too. I knew he wouldn't survive no baby survives at 18 weeks, so I held off hoping to god something could be done about it. Deep inside I understood that this wasn't the case, I put myself in agony and would have rather died that deliver him, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Lesson number six: Listen to your body (although I risk sounding like Deep Dave 'let nature take its course' 

One thing I do believe is that at that moment I did everything I could to try and save my son.