Life is a very funny joke. One second your traveling in one direction and the next life decides that you need to travel in a different one. I've decided to start writing out the hard core nasty that the universe has been throwing at me recently, because quite frankly, my brain needs an outlet.
As most in most recent mornings I have awoken at 4AM (a completely unnatural time of day) because my brain has decided it would like to discuss the events of Thursday, again. Although this may seem totally inappropriate to most people, I have been told by experts that it is totally appropriated. The reason for this being that on Thursday I lost my son after 18 weeks of being pregnant. The last thing I want is to pour out dramatic nonsense on the internet for people I have never met to read. What I want is to be able to write nonsense on the internet so that perhaps one person reads it and feels that they aren't alone. I want to connect with all the beautiful people out there who have also been in this situation or maybe haven't been in this situation. I am not writing to an exclusive club. I am writing to human beings.
So for my first post I am going to start to write the nitty gritty shit that no one wants to hear. If you don't want to know the details of any kind of miscarriage please stop reading. (although this is mainly just me moaning)
The first thing I am going to do is blame myself, which I have been told I definitely should not do. However my brain disagrees at this moment in time. I was at work when it started, perhaps doing things I shouldn't have been doing. That particular shift I had been left to do things I should not have been doing on my own, I felt ill I was in pain but I didn't think it was important. I ignored my body because I am nurse and my patients are more important. I didn't want to stand up for myself for fear of letting people down.
Lesson number one: Work is just not important, my job, colleagues and patients would have easily survived without me. I am just far to arrogant to see this.
I didn't want to go off work sick because maternity pay is not fantastic and this happened to be within the two months where my maternity pay was being calculated from.
Lesson number two: Money just isn't worth it
Other reason I blame myself are totally different day to day, they range from I must have been having too much sex to I must have drank far too much tea. The list is endless and although yesterday I found myself seriously crying at some chicken in the fridge, generally afterwards my sense of humor returns and I realise how ridiculous I am.
Lesson number three: Never blame a cup of tea for anything, I am British and will not slander tea.
I have been told repeatedly now that I did nothing wrong, I hope one day I will believe this too.
I hope to continue using this blog as an outlet (it has helped) I hope that even if its just one person someone feels a little better knowing that I am here too in this little box world with you.
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